How to Win Friends and Influence People (in 2015)

I came across a post on LinkedIn the other day where someone suggested gushily  that the lessons in the seminal management/self- improvement work by Dale Carnegie ` How to Win Friends and Influence People` are as true today as they were when they were written in 1936.  Ever the contrarian, I thought I’d have a look through the shiny aphorisms highlighted and see if, in my experience, they still rang true. 

Fundamental human behaviour endures, but I think it says a lot about the positive way Western society and international business has evolved along with management practice that many of the early soundbites now need some qualification to be truly useful in 2015’s working environment.

So, heresy be damned, here’s my take on them…

BECOME A FRIENDLIER PERSON.  Really? Isn’t what we should be going for here is to be more effective? But, to be fair, the concept of emotional intelligence, or even lightening up, hadn’t been invented, let alone applied, in the male-dominated mid-thirties world of military-style corporate and industrial hierarchies fighting to emerge from the Great Depression.

1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.  Condemn, maybe, as it is seldom merited, but objective criticism and complaint is what oils the wheels of personal and corporate improvement and consumer power.

2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.  Try honest sincere criticism too, it’s how people learn.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. Fine, just make sure it’s aligned with both your desires or you both won’t get anywhere past a nice warm feeling.

4. Become genuinely interested in other people.  You are or you aren’t.  You can’t fake it, and don’t try to. It’s disingenuous.

5. Smile. But if this doesn’t come naturally don’t bother.  Nothing looks falser or is more a turnoff that the forced rictus grin of a TV evangelist or a Gordon Brown* gurn.

6. Remember that a person's name is to that person the most important sound in any language.  I somehow doubt it these days, it’s probably the ping that signals a new email or a fresh social media post, but a little respect never hurts.

7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.  Again, tread carefully here; the world of social media is already replete with this taken to the point of narcissism. Concentrate on what’s relevant in connecting the individual to the task.

8. Talk in terms of the other person's interest.  But, again, make sure your interests too are aligned or you ware wasting your time.

9. Make the other person feel important - and do so sincerely.  `Feel valued` would be better contemporary aim. But don’t make the mistake of pumping up egos if they don’t deserve it or generating belief outside of any person’s capability or potential.

10 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Be careful how you interpret this - avoiding all conflict - even though apparently skilful management - is a sure recipe for problems from corporate stagnation to personal resentment.

WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING.  None of us are omnipotent. Take every opportunity to examine your own thinking and work out if there is a better way to look at the world.

11. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."  Except if when they are - even partially - and they need to learn what’s right so they can develop personally and professionally.

12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Absolutely. Nothing’s changed there. Still great advice.

13. Begin in a friendly way.  But don’t ever sugar coat what needs to be said and never, ever, use passive-aggression to get your point across.

14. Get the other person saying, "Yes, yes" immediately. No. Because in many cultures yes means `no` or `maybe` but never `yes`.

15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Certainly. You have two ears and one mouth – use them in that ratio.

16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. No. If the idea wasn’t theirs don’t be a patronising creep, but ensure credit is given where credit is due.

17. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. Yeah. Stop with the me, me, me.

18. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.  No.  Again, don’t be patronising engendering smugness.  Be empathetic of you can, that’s authentic.

19. Appeal to the nobler motives.  Particularly if yours are less noble, perhaps?  Avoid, you’ll end up looking like a hypocrite.

20. Dramatise your ideas.  Like there isn’t enough drama in modern life and the workplace?  Illustrate them by all means, but leave the rest for Am Dram.

BE A LEADER.  Definitely, but don’t confuse that with wanting everyone to like you.  If you really are, they won’t.

21. Throw down a challenge. No, explain it and make sure everyone is bought in and knows clearly what they need to do to hit a target.

22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.  And then just leave them waiting for the `but`?  Be pleasant but direct, people want to know where they stand.

23. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. Indeed. No one likes to be humiliated in front of others, but don’t use it as an excuse to be obscure or get to the point.

24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.  Make sure it’s empathy, not a cosy race to the bottom of the Sea of Ineptitude. And tell them what your learnt from the experience or it’s pointless.

25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.  This risks confusion. Be clear about what is needed to be done to what timescale and the implications of success or failure.  Make sure people feel, and are, free to ask you questions and really want to get involved.

26. Let the other person save face.  In some Eastern cultures yes, but not in all.  Most need to learn to bounce back, not hide. Don’t do people a disservice because it makes you feel better.

27. Praise the slightest and every improvement. Be "lavish in your praise."  Don’t.  That’s how you get Generation Y-like the- world-revolves-around-me attitudes. Don’t ever manage like Jim Bowen**

28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.  Who do you think you are, Machiavelli? You’ll also alienate everyone else.  Better to set an example personally. Make them want to emulate you.

29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.  By all means encourage and coach through difficulty, but don’t diminish the gravity or scale of the problem.

30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Rather, make sure they understand that it will benefit them.  That’s different.

* The famously taciturn and morose former UK Prime Minister, forced by his image advisers to start `smiling` in an attempt to win an election campaign.  He lost.

** A one-time UK television  game show host to whom,  it appeared, every action by every contestant, no matter how incompetent,  was `lovely, smashing, super`.