I suspect we all have. And the reason is we were tuning into
the wrong things. It’s not what the
person said, or even how they looked, it was how they acted on our unconscious.
Up to 90 percent of our communication
with others is non-verbal, which means that most of the time it’s our body
language that’s doing all the talking. As human beings we’re programmed to pick
up those messages loud and clear.
Entrepreneurs are driven to get things done and to get
things done fast. That means it’s
important to get off to a good start and get the best out of every encounter.
Why? Because your own experience will tell you that within the first few
minutes of meeting someone, you are already making decisions about that
person. You are quickly deciding whether
you think they are credible, trustworthy and what are their true intentions. In
short are they someone you may or may not want to do business with? And, of course, they are thinking the same
things about you.
The negative and the contradictory
This can give you a gut feel about an individual which it’s
very difficult to rise above at a later date.
People give themselves away with their body language but also unchecked
it can even send out not just unintended negative but very contradictory
signals too. But the reality is people
are much more likely to engage you in future conversations if you professionally
observe and act on their body language cues and manage your own actions accordingly.
Assuming you want to use your body language to communicate the
credibility and good intentions that make for great relationships here’s some
things to remember. For reasons too many
to list here, no one likes a slacker, so begin by considering your posture. You should sit upright but not appear stiff,
shoulders relaxed so you don't look uptight or have just escaped from an Army
square-bashing session. Align your body with the person you're talking, showing
you're engaged and `not talking out of the side of your face` or anywhere else
for that matter.
Don’t cross your legs or lock your knees together. Keep your
legs slightly apart to indicate that you're relaxed and ready to receive
information. Lean in a bit too, it shows focus and that you really are
listening to what is being said. Also by
entering your interlocutor’s space it invests you with power in the
conversation.
As well as being aligned try to reflect the body language
you are observing, showing you are in agreement and that you like - or at least
are trying to get on with - the person you are with. If you genuinely like someone, you’ll notice
that you do this unthinkingly anyway.
But, of course, you’re always going to be aware in future, aren’t you?
Fore armed is forewarned
What to do with your arms can be a bit of a problem and
different cultures employ huge variations in arm signals but at least initially
keep your arms relaxed at your sides.
This creates no barrier between you and your opposite number and shows, again,
that you open to what someone else is trying to get across. And, as with your legs, keeping your arms
uncrossed helps you absorb more of what's going on.
Once the conversation has warmed up use your hands to
gesture when you speak - this improves your credibility, your impact and is
believed to improve your thinking - if only because it’s a signal that you are
relaxed and confident in the situation.
In Europe many meeting protocols are in flux. For instance hugging and multiple kisses are
now firmly on the menu in follow up business meetings. But, at least for the first encounter, a
little more formality will serve you well.
So it’s a good idea to remember to greet others with a straight forward,
traditional firm handshake - but not a bone crusher or one that is held for so
long that it gets physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
Limp and flabby
Those of you that can remember the mass of negative messages
transmitted by your experience of various outstandingly limp mostly dextrous
but occasionally sinister encounters will concur a firm handshake is probably
one of the most important bits of body language, not least because it sets the
tone for the entire conversation. You can bet it’s pretty much certain that a
limp handshake will be followed by an equally flabby conversation.
No matter how senior or serious, everyone likes to be
encouraged. Appropriate head movements and
genuine smiles will show you understand, agree, and are listening to the opinions
of the speaker. But don’t overdo it or
you’ll look like a nodding donkey. Done
well this’ll make them feel more at ease with what they are saying and you are
likely to get more out of the meeting. Laughter too will lighten the mood and picking
up on humorous points can show you're paying attention.
Look the person in the eye when they are communicating, but
don’t stare otherwise you’ll come across as aggressive. Keep eye contact going
when you speak, but feel free to look away when you are thinking - it forms a
natural break. Beware of looking too
wide-eyed in your enthusiasm too and be conscious of blinking too much. Rapid
blinking could signal that you are feeling uncomfortable or in the case of a
one-time colleague of mine, telling big fat lies.
Squeaking rarely adds gravitas
Work with the other person's facial expressions. Smile when
they smile, frown when they frown and so on because once again, this
demonstrates that you are in agreement and like - or are making an effort to
like - the other person.
Monitor your voice, its tone is key giveaway to your stress
levels. Breathe easily and regularly, keep
the pitch low and the delivery slow and clear. Make sure you have a drink handy
if the atmosphere is dry, or you have spent your day talking, as squeaking
rarely adds gravitas.
Don't end every sentence as if it's a question unless, of
course, you are an Australian where it’s well-nigh compulsory and is likely to
be graciously ignored by those who speak other forms of English.
Final notes
During your meeting, take notes, particularly when you have
asked questions. It’s not rude, it’s almost rude not to. It demonstrates that you are engaged and care
about what the other person is saying. But remember to make eye contact
regularly so the speaker knows you haven’t drifted off into your own thoughts. Watch their body language for shuffling in
the seat and other signs of distraction. It may be time to wrap up the meeting
with a wish to meet again and that good, firm eye contact assuring handshake.
Watch your body language too until you are well out of sight
of the building it can been read at a distance long after the sound of your
voice has faded.
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